Anxiety and panic attacks used to be a part of my daily (and nightly) reality. I felt like I was fighting a constant battle in my own mind and body that was impossible to express in words. A few people knew that something was going on, but they had no way of understanding what it felt like – the intense fear of what was happening and what might come next, the mental and physical exhaustion of the constant internal struggle, the feelings of weakness and “otherness”… Why is everyone else doing things seemingly effortlessly that feel impossible to me? What’s wrong with me that I can’t even manage the simplest tasks and commitments – like waiting in a queue, making a phone call, or sitting through a school concert? I’m letting everyone down… I’m letting myself down… I’m not crazy… am I?
I learned during the long process of healing that I was, in fact, far from the only panicky and anxious human on planet earth. On the contrary – I realised that anxious, panicky humans are everywhere, in plain sight, doing normal human things. The reality is just that all of us are experts at masking what’s really going on inside. And we’re not crazy either – well, the overwhelming majority of us anyway…
My anxiety story has had progressively happier chapters in the last few years, to the point where I can’t remember when last I had a panic attack. Anxiety also doesn’t hang like a dark haze over my life anymore, dulling the vivid colours of sunrises, magically mundane moments, and the faces of those I hold dear.
But this is not a story about my past.
If you can relate to a constant internal battle with anxiety and the beginning of this brief recollection resonates with where you find yourself right now, then this is a story about your future. Please know that there is a version of that future where things are better than the way they feel now. But that better version requires you to hold on to two important facts – there is hope, and you are not alone.
There have been countless things – from massive mindshifts to tiny, seemingly inconsequential actions – that have helped me slowly grow into a more peaceful, flexible and present-focussed way of being. But there is one specific question that has helped me immensely since I have begun to ask it. It’s such a simple question, but sometimes the simplest introspective questions have the biggest effect on our mindset when we answer them with honesty, self-compassion and courage.
I’ll get to that question, but first there is the matter of the question that anyone who has struggled with anxiety has most likely asked themselves at some low point – “Will this anxiety ever go away?”. I remember asking the psychologist I saw years ago for my anxiety this very question. His answer was honest, but also gentle and kind. He told me that anxiety is like an uninvited visitor. It will come knocking or barging in at times, and you will have to use what you have learned to manage it and get it to leave.
Now back to the question I was telling you about before, the one that has helped me so much when anxiety does arrive uninvited and unwelcome… “Why are you here?”. Most of us are aware that anxiety is actually a protective mechanism, but it’s not helpful when anxiety pitches up shouting and distraught at your door about things that are not actually threats to you. Or are they? Because why else would anxiety be going ballistic like that? So you start to believe that those things anxiety tells you to be afraid of really are all terrifying and life-threatening. And so continues the cycle of fear, which often turns into a downward spiral that shrinks your world and shakes your confidence and your very reality. One of the things we often do to try to break the cycle of fear, is to ignore the anxiety. The problem with this is summed up elegantly in this quote from psychiatrist Carl Jung: “What you resist, persists”.
Now if you go right back to anxiety as a protective mechanism, what if instead of an uninvited and unwelcome visitor – an enemy even – you saw it as a loving, concerned, but frightened part of yourself. Imagine going to someone you love and trust, and trying to tell them something you feel is extremely important, but instead of listening to you with patience and curiosity, they just ignored you or invalidated everything you were feeling? Can you see that this is what we do to a very scared and vulnerable part of ourselves when we ignore or minimise our own anxious feelings? Anxiety is trying to tell you something important, and if you ask why it’s there with genuine curiosity, you can begin to unravel the knots in your life story that have spiralled into that level of fear and unease. If you don’t want anxiety running your life anymore, give it some space to be heard and validate those fears and concerns, but then take charge and decide what you will do with that information. If something is a genuine threat, think through the best way to move forward while keeping yourself as safe as possible. If it’s not actually a threat, then work through the discomfort of the physical and mental symptoms in whatever ways are best for you – therapy, somatic exercises, breathing exercises, mindfulness etc. Whatever you do, keep in mind that there is a need there that needs to be met, and if you can figure out what that need is you can calm that fearful and frantic part of yourself. As easy as that? No… definitely not easy, definitely scary, definitely frustrating, but also definitely possible.
If it’s any comfort to you, anxiety doesn’t visit me as often anymore. And when it does it usually knocks politely and we talk things out over a cup of tea of two. I try to discern why it has come, what the underlying unmet need is, and what I can do moving forward. It’s a part of me trying to keep me safe, it just gets carried away sometimes. But there are also times it makes very good points I wouldn’t have considered had I just tried to shut the door and ignore the pounding and cries of warning from the other side. I have no idea what the future holds, but right now I feel grateful for every day that I am not fighting a war inside anymore. It turns out my enemy was actually just an unheard part of me – shouting louder and louder and louder until the disruption to my life made it impossible to ignore. And then slowly, so slowly and over a number of years, calming to the point where just a gentle word gets my attention.
If you’re at war within yourself and anxiety feels all-consuming, I hope that healing and peace come soon. Every part of you is worth being acknowledged and heard, and every day of your life is worth living with determination and courage.
If need an encourager in your corner to help you navigate change with determination and courage, feel free to contact me about life coaching: https://portaltochange.com/life-coaching/
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