A couple of months ago I was planning to attend an online mental health support group meeting. Each of us would have the opportunity to share the coping skill that had been most helpful to us in surviving the year up to that point. As a multifaceted nerd – one of those facets being that I am a relentless gatherer and hoarder of any mental health related information – I was looking forward to greedily gobbling up what everyone else would have to say, and also sharing my own number one delicious nugget of a coping skill. What I wanted to share in that meeting, was the idea of doing less sometimes instead of getting stuck in the commonly held mindset that we need to constantly be doing more. The week leading up to the meeting turned out to be a rough one, and I ended up deciding to do less – which ironically included not attending the meeting after all…. But the concept of “doing less” is something which has maintained a prominent place in my ever-growing pile of coping skills. And, counter-intuitively, doing less has proven to be SO much harder than doing more.
I was never very good at creating balance in my life. As far back as I remember I felt like I had something to prove – like I had to do more, do better, do the thing this person expected me to do, do the thing I thought that person wanted me to do, do it all and do it fast. It was just do, do, do… And most of the time I was so busy doing that I didn’t have the time or the self-awareness to be able to question my motivation for doing all those things.
My life up until pretty recently looked a lot like very-young-me learning to ride a bike. Little Miss Me realised that if you peddle very very fast, you don’t have to worry too much about balance. Speed equalled momentum and even if the trip was wobbly, I was going places… But places included the ground when I couldn’t maintain my speed any longer. Balance – in life and in cycling – is essential to a safer and more enjoyable journey. And although doing more and going faster can work for a little while, you are inevitably going to crash at some point. I never did learn to ride a bike properly, but I AM learning to slow down and find my balance in life.
If you’re even a little bit like me – in other words a very determined individual – you’re no stranger to taking on too much, trying to please everyone, and feeling the need to prove yourself in some way. And if so, you’ve also experienced your fair share of crashes when burnout hits and you are physically, mentally and emotionally incapable of continuing on in the way you were. Life can get very dark in that space – when you finally crash and you don’t even have the energy or will to start picking up the pieces.
So here comes the first big question… Why are you doing all the things you’re doing?
Stopping to take stock of the things that fill your days, and asking yourself for an honest “why” for each one, can give you some much-needed perspective on how to proceed. Many of us are like busy little hamsters stuffing our mushy little cheeks with every morsel we come across. We don’t think too much about each one, because if we can stuff just one more in there, then why not? But unlike hamsters, humans have the ability to be strategic about taking things on board. We can pick the best things to focus on while still giving ourselves enough space to rest and relax.
That brings us to the second big question… What are you going to prioritise right now?
A simple way to look at it, is to give yourself three options after you’ve been honest about your “why”. In each case, based on whether your why is important enough to you, you can PURSUE, PARK or PITCH that particular thing. Some things will turn out to be really important to you and worth focussing on right now. Other things will be important, but not urgent, and will be worth putting on a shelf for the moment so that you can focus on your top priorities with enough space to not burn out. And there will be some things that don’t make sense to hold on to any longer and you’ll realise that you can let them go. Think of this in hamster-terms – you may love many different kinds of seeds and nuts, but you simply cannot shove them all in your cheeks at once, so you store some for later. You’ve also managed to gather some other random odds and ends in your collection-frenzied state, but you’re a hamster – and if you can’t eat it or use it for your nest, then it’s useless to you!
So now that you’ve figured out your “why’s” and done some prioritising, it’s also important to realise that not every day will look the same in terms of pursuing those priorities. YOU are a priority, and some days – or weeks, or months – that may mean doing less so that you can avoid burnout. It helps to get to know your own warning signs for when you’re headed for a crash and if you start slipping and sliding down that path – or wibbling and wobbling like Mini-Me on my bike – you’ll know that it’s time to slow down and reassess.
To quote Eckhart Tolle, “Doing is never enough if you neglect Being”. When we tie our value to doing, we create the perfect storm for overwhelm and burnout. But when we tie our value to being – in other words, being who we each uniquely are and basing our priorities on that – we create balance and the flexibility to weather the storms of life instead of adding to them.
When I missed my meeting that day, so many months back now, I knew I would be missing out on possibly contributing to the wellbeing of others and on gathering some valuable information to help myself. But one of my wibbly-wobbly warning signs is bursting into breathless sobs after experiencing just the tiniest bit of frustration. So even though my “why” was important, I could PARK the meeting – there would be many more – and focus instead on having a really good cry, having a really good rest, and then having a really good think about why I was feeling so overwhelmed.
I’ll say it again – YOU are a priority. Learning to value yourself enough to prioritise your need for downtime – just because you are you and not because of what you do – means you won’t be trying to pour from an empty cup.
Wishing you the sense of balance and peace that comes from giving yourself permission to do less sometimes.
If you need some help building your confidence, labelling and confronting your fears, or any other personal development goals you might have, feel free to contact me about life coaching (first session free) – https://portaltochange.com/life-coaching/
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