“Don’t talk to strangers!”
For some of us, this grim warning given by so many grown-ups during our childhood years seems to have gotten itself lodged firmly in our adult brains. Like the faceless monster that lurked under the bed when the lights went off, this fear of strangers lurks in our subconscious and flips our anxiety switch to “the sky is falling, the sky is falling!” when we have to talk to someone we don’t know.
But remember how you cautiously peeked under the bed – with backup of course – only to find the usual collection of sad single socks, dust bunnies and heap of toys you lazily shoved under there instead of packing them away? No monster… just the backup telling you that there would be no TV until you cleaned up and there was actually room for a monster under your bed again.
It’s the same thing with our fear of talking to new people. We create this faceless monster in our minds and feel terrified every time we might have to confront it. But have you ever asked yourself what exactly you’re afraid of? Maybe you’re afraid of saying something that would make you feel embarrassed? Maybe you’re afraid of being judged? Or maybe you’re afraid you’ll panic, forget what you wanted to say, and resort to a bulgy-eyed, slack-mouthed fishy expression while you “uh” and “um” your way uncomfortably out of the conversation.
I get it, I used to be terrified of meeting new people too – whether it was talking to them in-person or on the phone. I would often go into a full-on panic attack just thinking about talking to a stranger. Thankfully, that has changed dramatically over the last few years. I’d like to share with you a little of the “how” of that change in the hope that it will help you challenge your own fears.
Last month I began facilitating a new free online mental health support group for panic and anxiety through SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group) which I am BEYOND excited about. Because of this I have been chatting with SOmany strangers to make sure the group is the perfect place for where they are in their journey right now. It struck me as I was getting to know them, how much more confident, open and friendly I am when talking to strangers than I was just a few years ago. I’m incredibly grateful for the fact that meeting new people has become exciting and fun for me with only the tiniest twinge of nerves. It’s like going from having angry pterodactyls flying around in my stomach to gentle little butterflies. But the one thing that’s been coming up again and again with the wonderful individuals I’ve been speaking to, is that they share the same fear of speaking to new people that I used to find so paralysing.
Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you are interested in this free support group – you are reading my blog post so technically I’m not a stranger anymore.
In order to try to help my new support group members feel more at ease, I shared one of my biggest mindshifts around meeting new people with them. I told them that when I meet someone new, instead of focussing on my anxious feelings, I shift my focus to the other person and do my best to help them feel safe, comfortable and heard.
You see, when I confronted my “strangers are scary” monster, I realised that what I was really afraid of was that I would be “not good enough” in some way. My fear had nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me. So, having “looked under the bed” and found only my own stuff under there, I realised that it was up to me to clean it up.
That’s one of the reasons why I am able to be an effective coach, facilitator and begrudging maker of dentist appointments now – because instead of focussing on all the reasons I think I might be inadequate, I focus instead on making other people feel as comfortable and at ease as I possibly can. I do this by listening with curiosity and empathy, and speaking with kindness and honesty. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a work in progress, but I’m willing to keep working for that progress.
Why not give it a try yourself? Start by figuring out why meeting new people is so scary for you. Then, next time you have to talk to a stranger, remember to shift your focus from your own discomfort and anxiety to trying to make them feel comfortable, safe and heard.
If you thought you were the only person with this type of monster under the bed in your head – I’m here to assure you that you are most definitely not alone. Try to keep that in mind when next you interact with someone new – there is a very good chance that they are as anxious as you are and know exactly how you feel!
Wishing you caring, confident and positive first interactions with new people!
If you need some help building your confidence, labelling and confronting your fears, or any other personal development goals you might have, feel free to contact me about life coaching (first session free) – https://portaltochange.com/life-coaching/
Portal to Change 