We all have recurring themes in our lives – things that happen over and over again because we haven’t found the right way to address them yet. We get dragged down by thoughts that don’t serve us, and we do things that have a negative impact and land us in unpleasant situations. It takes time and perspective to identify a theme, and once we’ve managed that, it takes a lot of effort to learn to spot the warning signs that we’re on course for disaster yet again. After that, it’s a matter of trial and error to figure out how to avoid the slippery slope altogether, instead of finding ourselves at the bottom and wondering how we managed to slide down so quickly!
You may be able to relate to one of my recurring themes. It involves going and going and going, like a caffeine-fuelled hyper-alert ferret who has watched too many brutal nature documentaries, leading it to believe it might get eaten by any number of ferocious predators should it stand still for too long. The problem is that you can only go and go for so long before you fall down in an exhausted little frazzled ferret heap. And so, after countless cycles of “go all-out, wonder why I’m burned-out, recover, repeat..”, I realised that what was missing in my life could be summed up in one word – “balance”.
Armed with the knowledge that go, go, go is a BIG no, no, no, and that this beautiful “balance” word was the key to a less exhausted future, I went forth to find new and creative ways to slip down my exhaustion slope. Don’t get me wrong, my efforts have paid off and I’m living a far more balanced life these days, but progress is non-linear. In other words, in contrast to a nice smooth upward trend, falling off cliffs and having to figure out why, is all part of the deal.
Recently I was surprised (as always am) to find myself feeling burned-out again, and was chatting to a close friend about it. She listened patiently and then asked me a question which has since helped me on my way towards clarifying my hazy vision of balance – I hope it will help you as well. She asked me: “What fills you?” This took me completely by surprise because I couldn’t immediately answer what seemed like a simple question. Except that it wasn’t a simple question. Don’t believe me? Give it a try… “What fills YOU?”
After the chat with my friend I sat down to make a list of what and who replenishes my energy levels. If you liken a great question to an X on a treasure map, talking through and writing down your thoughts about possible answers is like digging down and finding an entire goldmine filled with shiny nuggets. I have added to that list as time has gone by and as I’ve become more aware of what and who fills me. When I feel mentally, emotionally or physically drained I refer back to my list and find someone to connect with or something to do that energises me in some way. I’ve also started incorporating more of those things and more time with those people into my daily life in an attempt to avoid complete exhaustion. The wonderful thing about “mining” a great question, is that it’s not only you who comes out richer – the people around you benefit as well. The people around me have had a much more consistently patient, empathetic and energetic person in their lives lately.
If you’re having trouble answering that question for yourself, I’ve discovered a few things along the way to my own answers that may help:
1 – The things that fill us are not necessarily things that would be classified as “relaxing”
Intense physical exercise, writing for my blog, cooking a special meal for someone to celebrate something good that happened in their life… I wouldn’t call any of these things on my list “relaxing” (especially the cooking – you better believe that I love you if I cook for you…), but they do make me feel fuller in various ways. On the other hand, things like late sleeps in winter, watching the ocean waves and the smell of a braai fire also fill me (especially if that braai fire means that someone who is not me is responsible for dinner). So just keep in mind that things can be tiring without being draining.
2 – The things that drain us are not necessarily things we don’t like doing, they can be things we LOVE doing
Don’t be surprised if there are things that you absolutely LOVE doing that leave you feeling drained. We sometimes feel guilty for feeling exhausted when we are making use of great opportunities or helping others in some way, but we can’t just give and give without also making space to receive.
3 – The people who fill us are the ones who make us feel heard, understood and accepted just as we are
The most “filling” conversations are the ones where we walk away feeling heard and understood. The people in our lives who listen with empathy and accept us even when they have a different perspective or opinion, are the ones who add to our energy. We know that we are safe when we’re speaking to them and that means that we can have deep and meaningful conversations without fear of rejection.
4 – People who drain us are not necessarily people we don’t like or people we don’t want to spend time with
Just as things that we love doing can sometimes be draining, certain people we love or enjoy spending time with can also make us feel depleted. This doesn’t imply that they mean any less to us, or that we think there is anything wrong with them, they just take a little more of our mental energy to be around.
We all need different types of “filling” at different times, and learning to be mindful of that is a huge step towards a more balanced existence. When you feel drained, ask yourself why and take note of that. Then make an effort to replenish yourself in whatever way feels best for the situation you’re in.
It’s such a cliché that you can’t pour from an empty cup, but it’s also such an undeniable truth. You can’t continue to give without also making it a priority to be filled, preferably before you find yourself in an exhausted little heap at the bottom of a slippery slope, holding a broken cup in need of some serious super-glue surgery before it will be able to hold anything again!
Wishing you the kindness towards yourself to prioritise a balance between depletion and being filled.
Portal to Change 