Until recently I would have never considered myself a brave person. To me, bravery meant being fearless, and I was definitely the polar opposite of fearless. I would tell myself that I was as spineless as a slug, as gutless as a jellyfish and as chicken as a chicken. I would get upset with myself because things that seemed so easy for other people to do, felt so incredibly hard and scary for me – assuming I ever managed to pluck up the courage to do them at all. All of that was a reflection of a life lived under the terrible weight of worry and anxiety.
Since the lowest low of my life – completely debilitating panic and anxiety – the way I think about bravery and the way I see myself has changed dramatically. I am still not fearless, but I am brave, and that change in my thinking and the way I see myself has made all the difference. The story of that change ends with a tarantula, and that is the ending (and associated epilogue) I would like to share with you today.
I have feared many things in my lifetime – physical, emotional, psychological… you name it – it was probably on my “Things that I’m convinced will end very, very badly” list. But as I learned to think about and approach my fears differently, I started to feel ready to face one of the big ones… many-eyed wriggly things with eight legs. The opportunity presented itself to squash (figuratively – no spiders were harmed that day) my fear on an animal sanctuary tour early last year. To the immense surprise of everyone who knows me (not to mention my own surprise) I held big, scary, hairy tarantula! These are the lessons she taught me…
1 – Don’t put off facing your fears until you feel “ready”
I had every intention of holding whatever snake, lizard, chameleon or ferret came my way during our visit to the animal sanctuary. Most people are excited to interact with the animals, but in my case that interaction adds so much to the experience. You see, even though I am lucky enough to have limited vision, touching the skin of a snake for example, gives me an understanding of the texture my eyes usually don’t pick up on. That said, I had absolutely NO desire to examine any spiders that day – let alone make physical contact! “Maybe someday I’ll face my fear, but I don’t feel ready today.” I told myself.
However, as I stood there listening to the guide telling us all about this one specific tarantula that he was going to allow us to hold, it occurred to me that there was no reason I shouldn’t face my fear right then. I realised in that moment that I would probably never feel ready, so why not just go for it? And I did…
There are so many things in life that we want to do that scare us – so we put them off and tell ourselves that we will do them when x, y or z happens – in other words, when the stars align, the mood is right and the fear is gone. But if we wait for the right time, that right time may never come – especially if we are waiting for fear to magically evaporate.
The tarantula taught me that there is no time like the present to face a fear and go for something. You just have to be honest with yourself about what exactly is holding you back. If the answer to that question points directly back at you, then maybe the time has come to take that scary leap.
2 – Opportunities will pass you by if you over-think instead of taking action
Being an over-thinker, I was tempted to dwell on weighing all the pro’s and con’s. But the time-sensitive situation just didn’t allow for that as here were other people waiting to hold the spider and I had to make up my mind. I had gathered the facts that this was something I wanted to do and which had been proven to be relatively safe by the guide and others who had held the spider (the spider seemed quite content to meander placidly from person to person with no apparent desire to maul or maim anyone). So I stopped my over-thinking brain right there and trusted my intuition. I didn’t feel fearless, but I did feel brave enough to try.
We need to assess situations and gather information, but often we tend to get stuck in an endless loop of thought. We don’t follow up with commitment to a decision and the actions to back that decision.
The tarantula taught me that you should guard against getting bogged down by your thoughts, and that you have to take action before you miss out. You should make good use of your ability to reason and assess risks, but you also need to get to the point where you take decisive (and maybe even intuitive) action.
3 – There is more than one side to any story, careful consideration of this makes it easier to be your best self in the face of fear
There were two sides to this story – mine and the spider’s. I knew that committing to holding her meant that I would have to stay calm and keep my hands steady. I realised that facing my fear was not just about me and that helped me to take the focus off my fear and place it instead on keeping the spider safe and comfortable. There was no way I would have held her if I hadn’t committed to her wellbeing and decided that no matter what happened – even if she decided that I smelled like her favourite snack and mauling ensued – I would not drop her!
We tend to forget that when we face our fears the impact can be far-reaching. When we change our perspective from looking at how our fear affects us, to how it affects others, we can find the courage within us to do what might otherwise have seemed beyond us. Consider someone who can make an impact with words braving a fear of public speaking. Or consider a parent who has a fear of needles being honest about that fear with their child, but then putting on a brave face when it’s time for their flu jab.
The tarantula taught me that when you are afraid, it helps to shift your focus from what you fear to the impact you can have if you face that fear. You may be frightened, but you can be courageous when you keep this in mind.
4 – It probably won’t turn out the way you imagined it would, so why waste time awfulising?
I have a vivid imagination, and my imagination always had a morbid fascination with spiders. I would imagine all sorts of horrible and unrealistic scenarios involving them – their many-eyed glare assessing the quickest path to get to me, their many-legged scuttling up my arm towards my face and their many-toothed maws opening wide to gnaw on me…
But as I said, in this situation I assessed the facts and didn’t let my imagination venture into its so-often apocalyptic portrayals of the future. So instead of wasting time and energy on over-thinking and creating anxiety about an unrealistic future which would never come to pass – I triumphantly held a surprisingly heavy, fluffy and chilled-out tarantula – no glaring, scuttling or gnawing!
Awfulising doesn’t provide us with anything except feelings of fear and anxiety. We can’t know what the future holds, so why create the scariest future we can imagine in our minds when we can be more realistic about it and deal with situations as they arise?
The tarantula taught me that what you think is going to happen is often very far from what actually ends up happening. So instead of feeding your over-active imagination with fodder for fear, rather work on directing your energy towards what you can do or enjoy in the present moment.
5 – Just because the scary thing has teeth, doesn’t mean it’s going to bite
When the guide was telling us all about this particular tarantula, he demonstrated to us exactly how tame she was by putting his finger between her mandibles – right in front of her mouth – and wiggling gently. She just took it all in her gentle eight-legged stride while I was thinking that if someone did that to me, I would probably be tempted to chomp them! He also explained that tarantula’s rarely bite as they are really just interested in prey and in defending themselves when they feel threatened. This was all contrary to my previously held belief that spiders were hard-wired with attack-mode on.
We all have a strong drive for self-preservation, but that drive can often work against us. Self-preservation doesn’t just have to do with avoiding possible physical pain, it actually most often involves the avoidance of psychological pain. If we avoid the possible psychological pain of rejection – we can’t effectively build or maintain relationships. And if we avoid the possible psychological pain of failure – we can’t attempt anything new for fear that we won’t get it right the first time. But the fact is that just because pain is a possibility, there is also the possibility of a rewarding positive outcome.
The tarantula taught me that just because there is the possibility that something could cause you pain, there is also the possibility (often much greater) that it will cause you the exact opposite! You can try to avoid every type of pain, but this creates its own pain – the pain of missing out on life.
6 – When you do the things that scare you, you choose empowerment over regret
In the moment it took me to pluck up the courage to hold the spider, all I could think about was the regret I would feel if I let the opportunity pass me by. I’ve taken on scary challenges in the past – like stepping onto the University of Pretoria campus on my first day of lectures alone, struggling with anxiety, visually impaired and with the wild-eyed terror of a cat whose life has just taken a turn for the wetter – but I was coming from a place of feeling like I had to versus feeling that I wanted to.
We often focus so much on what we believe other people will think, that we forget to ask ourselves what we think. Both routes can motivate us to try scary new things, but the former starts us off from a place of resistance and fear, whereas the latter starts us off from a place of ownership and optimism.
The tarantula taught me that thinking about regret versus empowerment when deciding whether to take on something that scares me, will help me make better choices that put me in control. You can sit tight in your comfort zone, or you can challenge your own thinking – what will you regret if you don’t do the thing, and what will you potentially gain if you do? Is this important to YOU?
7 – Use every opportunity to prepare for the big scaries by tackling a lot of little scaries
It used to be difficult for me to even think about spiders, let alone look at a picture of one! But by the time I was faced with the tarantula-test I had worked very hard to slowly desensitise myself when opportunities arose. For example, the time that an enormous spider took up residence in our bathroom one night when my husband (the designated spider-catch-and-releaser) was at work. I saw it, freaked out, closed the door and stuffed towels up against the gap at the bottom. Then, deciding that we wouldn’t sleep that night for fear that the spider had teleportation powers or an uncanny ability to burrow through towels – my daughter decided that she would net it and release it if I would come with as backup. She was successful and it was a very proud Mom moment as well as a proud “okay, I think I realise now that spiders will not randomly jump on your face and start sucking your brain through your nose” moment.
When we think about the big scaries in our lives, we see them as enormous and unconquerable in our present state. But the only way to start facing a fear… is to start! We can build up to the big stuff with the smaller stuff, growing with each step into someone who is capable of facing and conquering something that seemed so impossible before.
The tarantula taught me that it’s important to work on facing your fears little by little so that when the time comes to face the big one, it won’t feel as scary as it once seemed. Also, there won’t always be someone around to save you from the spiders that show up in your life!
8 – Whatever the outcome when you do something scary, growth happens outside your comfort zone
I was lucky enough to have had a fantastic outcome from my spider-holding experience. I realised that spiders may look scary, but they just want to snack (not necessarily on humans), chill and live their lives like the rest of us. But even if I had only tolerated one hairy little leg touching my hand before I chickened out and ran from the room blabbering and drooling, I would still have learned that I was capable of even that tiny step.
Every time we face a fear we can choose to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. We may perceive the outcome to be less than desirable sometimes, but we can always look objectively at the experience to see what we can take away from it.
The tarantula taught me that unless I step outside my comfort zone (or in this case, let something step inside it), I won’t be giving myself the opportunity to grow and learn. You have to keep pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone, because that’s where some of the best parts of life happen.
9 – We all have different fears so be mindful of that and celebrate with others when they conquer theirs
The thing that really surprised me about the whole affair, was the incredibly positive reaction of family and friends. They were excited and celebrated my success with me in a way that acknowledged the importance of something that may have seemed so trivial from the outside. Some even jokingly asked me who this person in the pictures was holding the great, big spider!
It’s so important to talk about our fears with the people close to us. This allows us to support and encourage each other, and celebrate together when someone claims a victory over one of their fears. When we know someone well enough to know their biggest fears, we realise that sometimes the smallest action on their part can mean one of the biggest victories of their lives – and it’s a wonderful feeling to be ready to cheer for them… loudly… like a teen k-pop fan… until they blush and ask you to please stop.
The tarantula taught me to be even more mindful of what the people I care about see as obstacles and achievements in their lives. You can make someone else feel exponentially better about what they have achieved when you show them that you “get” it. That you understand how big this is in their life and what it took them to get there… and that you insist upon making a really big deal about it!
10 – The memories of the scary stuff you’ve done will be the foundation for future success
It’s been quite a while since I met Fluffy the friendly spider (that’s not her real name – I just want to protect her identity. It’s by no means a case of having forgotten her name the minute the guide said it just like definitely don’t do with human names), but the memory and the empowering feelings associated with our meeting always with me. Whenever I have something new to face and start to doubt my ability to meet the challenge, I remember that I held a tarantula. That one memory is like rocket fuel for my “slightly less intelligent and ambitious inner Elon Musk”
A little goes a long way when it comes to conquering our fears. We gain so much from the smallest step in the right direction and we can draw on the cumulative effect as we face new challenges.
The tarantula taught me that gathering memories that make me feel capable and strong are worth the temporary discomfort of pushing through a situation that frightens me. You have a lifetime of these memories to draw on – whether you realise it or not. So why not take some time to dig them up, dust them off, and display them in a prominent place in your mind? Next time you have to face your scaries – big or small – you can draw strength from all the times in the past when you were courageous.
So do I consider myself a brave person now? Absolutely! I don’t think of bravery as “being fearless” anymore, I think of it as “being scared but doing it anyway”. I am still not fearless, but I am brave because, despite my own personal Mount Kilimanjaro of heaped up fears, I am doing courageous things anyway.
Do what scares you – hold that spider or snake or iguana, write that book, present that speech, start training that first member of the best all-rat rock band that America’s Got Talent has ever seen (just train the other members quite quickly, because you’re playing Russian roulette with their lifespan of plus minus one to four years) – you probably won’t regret it as much as not doing it. Whatever the outcome, you’ll have a story to tell!
Wishing you the courage to be afraid but do the thing that scares you anyway!
Portal to Change 