Life happens…
This is something I am constantly having to reassure my clients (and myself) is completely okay in the pursuit of our goals and dreams. You can have the clearest vision of where you are heading, the best laid plans and the single-minded determination of a starving mosquito to get things done – but then life happens. Circumstances beyond your control block your progress and you get stuck and feel frustrated.
This year has started out like that for me. Life happened – not in some huge and terrible way, but in many small ways that banded together like a horde of die-hard tween-aged fans of some generic boy band trying to mob the stage. One little issue that squeals and jumps around for attention is annoying but easy enough to deal with. But when there are a horde of annoying little issues, the noise in your head gets so loud and the time spent trying to calm them down takes up all of your energy and puts you in survival mode.
So right now I am surviving and looking longingly every day at the vision board I created for 2021. I have it as my computer’s desktop background and it reminds me of all the goals and dreams I haven’t had the time or energy to pursue fully because of the circumstances life has thrown at me. But even though I’m not growing in all the ways that I would love to be, I know that I am growing in other ways. Because I embrace those other directions of growth, I don’t feel like I’m stagnating and, in turn, I don’t feel frustrated with myself.
All of this got me thinking about the possibilities for growth that are open to us – even when circumstances beyond our control feel like they are barring our way to progress. So instead of getting stuck, choose to get creative and grow in a different direction.
Grow downwards
When you think about growing downwards, think about putting down roots that will form a stronger foundation for the rest of your life. It’s all about going back to basics.
When we start to feel overwhelmed, one of the best ways we can grow is to establish or re-establish habits that boost our energy and give us a greater sense of control. We can also work to eliminate habits that are adding to our feelings of overwhelm.
In my case, I’ve learned that the very basic habit of getting enough sleep helps me feel calmer, more focussed and more in control of my emotions. The growth comes in when I have to use my “mommy voice” on myself and stick to the night-time routine and bed-time I’ve decided on. Conversely, a habit I am working to rid myself of is aimlessly scrolling through social media as a distraction from everything that is causing me stress. I realise that I’m wasting the time I could be using to actually unwind and have some fun on something that isn’t fulfilling that need at all and often creates even more stress.
Which basic habits do you need to cultivate or eradicate so that your foundation can be stronger and deeper in the face of difficult circumstances?
Grow inwards
Growing inwards is all about figuring out who you really are, what and who is important to you, why you think and do as you do and whether there are better ways to reason and behave.
You may not be able to change certain circumstances, but you can change your mindset about them and about yourself and your ability to cope with them. Life can feel completely different even though the only thing that has changed is you.
Conflict has been one of my biggest anxiety triggers for as long as I can remember. I tend towards the extremes – most often an avoidant doormat, but when pushed too far I become an explosive fire-breathing dragon-lady. I’m not proud of either of these and neither of them feels good or helps the situation. So while I haven’t been able to go after all the things I had planned for this year yet, I did spend some time answering the questions “why do I behave this way?” and “what can I do better?” in terms of managing conflict. Why now? Because when they install fibre to your house and you get a free unwanted skylight starter-kit included with the installation (aka a massive hole in the ceiling caused by someone carelessly stepping there), it takes a lot of assertive communication to get the issue resolved.
If you’re feeling stuck, take some time to look inside and see if there is anything you’ve been ignoring about the way you think or about your own behaviour that is holding you back in life. Then grow by doing something about it.
Grow upwards
Consider all the knowledge and skills you have built up over the years. How can you grow what you already have or go after something you have always wanted to learn or try?
Learning has never been as easily accessible as it is right now. You can level-up what know or you can learn something completely new. The great thing is that it doesn’t have to take hours out of your day, a few minutes a day can make a huge different and make you feel like you’re reaching higher and achieving something.
With the time I’ve freed up not aimlessly scrolling through social media, I can relax and give myself a mental break from everything going on that I have no control over. It may seem counterintuitive on the surface, but one of my favourite mental breaks from stress is learning something new. I get to give my mind a break from going over the situations that are bothering me and get it engaged in something challenging but low-stakes and just for fun. Instead of feeling like I’m stagnating, I’ve started learning some new piano pieces and gathering more information to use in my coaching practice to better serve my clients. I only wish my husband’s need to reduce his stress-levels and his interest in eating food would morph into an interest in learning how to cook it… every day…
The sky is the limit when you grow upwards. As hectic as a day has been or as much as it feels as if the universe is conspiring against you, you can experience a sense achievement and satisfaction by learning something new.
Grow backwards
I’m sure you’ve been told to “look to the future”, to “get over it” or to “let it go” at some point in your life, even if it was you telling yourself that. Not the most helpful advice, and exponentially more unhelpful when written into (in my opinion) the most nails-on-a-chalkboard, sand-between-your-teeth Disney song ever let loose upon the word. But sometimes looking back at the past can help us to grow in the now.
Distance often gives us more perspective on a past situation. I mean this figuratively as I’m severely visually impaired and distance for me means a creative perspective – it could be a rock, it could be an elephant, it could be one or all four of the horsemen of the apocalypse… So figuratively speaking, when you look back at something that happened in the past which caused you pain or distress, seeing it more clearly can help you learn something from it or take something positive forward with you.
This month marks two years since a very traumatic break-up with a close friend. Upon reflection and from a distance, I now feel so much gratitude – gratitude for the good times I had had with my former friend, but mostly gratitude for the circumstances that lead to me no longer being in a friendship where my doormat tendencies were what kept the friendship going for so long. I have learned to value myself far more since then and also not to ignore any warning signs, for example, when someone is unpredictable, unreasonable and explosive with others in their life, it’s only a matter of time until you’ll be next on their hit list!
Growing backwards means reaching back into the past and finding gratitude and learning to bring to the present. Whether you’re revisiting good or not so good memories, remember that you are in control of what you take away from those memories and in turn, how much you grow from your past experiences.
Grow outwards
Growing outwards means re-connecting with people who are already in your life and deepening some of those connections. It also means reaching out to new people and creating new connections. You can also focus on deepening your faith and your relationship with God if you are religious, but I’m going to focus on relationships with other people for this post.
One of the biggest challenges when connecting with people is that we only have a limited amount of time and energy (and patience in some cases). This means that we need to choose wisely which relationships we will pour our time and energy into.
During this time of not-so-great circumstances I have aimed to re-connect by messaging friends and family to check-in with them, make sure they’re doing okay or offering them comfort or a safe space to rant if they are struggling. In deepening connections and making new ones, my current focus has been on listening mindfully to the people who speak to me and giving them my full attention and empathy. That might sound like a low bar, but with everything going on right now my attention span feels like it’s gone from “dog pretending to be a statue as it waits for lizard to emerge from hidey-hole” to “Look, a lizar…. Look, a bir… Look, a blade of gra… Need nap…”
Growing outwards can be scary because we are so afraid of feeling rejected by others. But keep in mind that there are many fish in the sea just as there are many lizards to pounce on (gently mind you) when the time is right. If you don’t take up fishing or hunting though, how will you ever get past your fear of the occasional but inevitable scrape or bite?
Grow onwards
This is the type of growth that involves taking the time to create a vision for the future and then taking action to make it happen. When circumstances get in the way, don’t immediately chuck your vision board, burn your dreams and water the ashes with your tears of defeat – just get creative about how you can move forwards towards that vision in a different way.
We only have the present moment and living in it means we get to experience life fully instead of dwelling on the past or longing for or dreading an imagined future. But that doesn’t mean we can’t envision what we would like to achieve in the future and start creating it in the now.
Right now I may not have the time to work on the new courses I have planned for my anxiety support passion project “The OASIS”, but I can work on improving the mindfulness course I have already developed and support people throughout their completion of it. I can also gather feedback and ideas to help make the courses I will develop in the future even better.
Our idea of this type of growth tends towards an all or nothing mindset. If circumstances arise that prevent us from making huge kangaroo-leaps of progress we may feel so discouraged and frustrated that we are tempted to just give up. But progress is progress, even if it’s in the form of a tenacious little snail-trail of actions that winds over, under or around whatever is blocking our path.
Life happens… but that doesn’t have to mean the derailing of your growth-train. It just means you have a choice between hopping onto an alternative route and getting every bit out of the journey, or getting stuck going nowhere while you wait for your circumstances to change.
Wishing you hope and fulfilment no matter your circumstances, whichever direction you choose to grow!
Portal to Change 