I can’t sugar-coat it. I can’t tell you that reassuring someone who is constantly anxious is going to chase away that feeling of undefined dread. I can’t tell you that encouraging someone who feels a panic attack coming on to take deep breaths will prevent the attack. I can’t tell you that you can make the world a less terrifying place for someone who is in the middle of a panic attack. I can’t tell you that you can be the super-hero that you want to be for the person you wish you could save from this awful distress.
The thing about anxiety and panic that make them so difficult to understand if you have never experienced them yourself, is that you feel like you are constantly waging war against your own body and mind. It’s exhausting, isolating and frightening in the extreme.
But there are things you cando for someone who is struggling. You won’t be able to change their world to sunshine and daisies in an instant, but you cansupport them on their journey as they work towards improved mental health.
There are a variety of anxiety disorders, but I am basing these do’s on my own experiences with generalised anxiety disorder, agoraphobia and panic disorder. No, I’m not some kind of anxiety hypochondriac. Anxiety disorders are like carnivorous leeches – they feed off each other.
I hope this list can help you if you are at a loss as to how to support someone who is fighting their own life-eating leeches. Or, if you are that someone, you can choose to pass this list on to the super-heroes in your life who feel powerless to help you.
1. DO – Encourage them to get professional help
This is the number one thing you can do for someone who is struggling with any kind of mental health issue. There is so much stigma around mental illness and seeing a mental health professional like a psychologist, but that is honestly the best thing you can do to help put someone firmly on the road to recovery.
You can’t force someone to seek help if they don’t want to, but your support and encouragement will go a long way towards getting them there. Anxiety-induced fear can be paralysing, so offer to find out what the options are, make phone calls, organise appointments or whatever else might be necessary. If the person would feel more comfortable with you there to support them, find out if you can go with them to the appointments. If they don’t feel that the person they are seeing is the right fit for them, support them in finding someone else. “It’s not me, it’s you” is perfectly valid reasoning for wanting to see someone else in the world of mental health professionals.
In my own experience, seeing two wonderful psychologists at the two peaks of my anxiety and panic (varsity me and early thirties me) helped tremendously. Being told by a highly qualified and experienced professional that what you are experiencing can be explained and overcome, and then having them help you by tailoring coping skills to your specific needs, is empowering and comforting.
Psychology has come a very long way in a short time, and psychotherapy (specifically cognitive behavioural therapy – CBT) is currently one of the most effective ways to help people who suffer from anxiety and panic.
If you aren’t sure where to find help, look for an organisation in your area that can point you in the right direction. Here in South Africa you can contact SADAG.
2. DO – Find out more about anxiety disorders
There is so much quality information available on the internet about anxiety disorders, but I do stress the quality part. Make sure the information you are absorbing is from reliable sources – drinking from a water fountain is great, drinking from a toilet, not so much… Avoid hype and clickbait and go for articles and videos from people who are qualified in the field or have extensive personal experience and knowledge.
Making the effort to find out more if someone close to you has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or suspects they may have one, shows that you truly care about them and their wellbeing. You are also showing that you want to understand and empathise.
Now that you have all this wonderful information, you might feel the urge to regurgitate it randomly in the presence of the loved one you so desperately want to support. Regurgitate with caution my friend. Anxiety and panic are easily triggered and certain information or an information overload may be the worst thing you can do for the person struggling. Trust me, they already know how awful a panic attack is or how lonely it is to lie awake for hours at night fearing that something nebulous and terrible is coming. Also, just because something worked for some people, it may not work for others. Telling me that you read a great article on how breathing in a certain rhythm can stop a panic attack, wouldn’t have helped me at all. To me, that would have been like telling me that spitting on a fire can be very effective in putting it out – this while I’m actually onfire and feeling like I’m about to die.
Knowledge is power, so gain that power for yourself and then use it responsibly and wisely.
3. DO – Ask them what they need
Instead of assumingthat what your loved one needs during a panic attack is a few nice deep breaths or a whiff of lavender essential oil, askthem what they would like you to do in that situation. Instead of assuming that they just need some help organising their schedule to feel less overwhelmed and suggesting a to-do list app for their phone, ask them how you can help them cope better.
To give you some examples, I have asked my husband to distract me when I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. He has talked to me about something else, put a favourite series on and watched it with me and even suggested that I go do a cardio workout which gets rid of my excess energy. He also knows that I will stand close to him, hold his hand or want to be hugged when I am anxious. Many of my close friends and family (and now the internet) know that I always want to sit near an exit and that I prefer smaller shopping malls to larger ones where exits are few and far between (agoraphobia is weird, I’m not afraid the building is going to fall down on me, I just get this panicky feeling when I know I can’t immediately get out).
Where I want closeness when I am anxious, other people may want space. Where I want open spaces when I feel a panic attack coming on, other people may feel safer in a smaller space. Where exercise as a distraction works for me, someone else might find that listening to music helps distract them.
I remember the day I told one of my very good friends that I was going through a rough time with anxiety and panic. We were in the habit of going out together to coffee shops to chat. I explained that something so mundane, something that we had done so many times before had become terrifying to me and why. Her immediate response was to tell me that whatever I needed was what she was going to do and that I could call any time, day or night and tell her what I needed and she would do it. That, in my opinion, is the perfect response to give a loved one whom you want to help through any difficulty they are facing.
4. DO – Give them time to process things
When you have an anxiety disorder, there is so much going on your brain that there isn’t a lot of power left for processing. Imagine us as that old computer you replaced years ago, the one that took so long to boot up Windows that you could make yourself a cup of tea and a pork roast while you waited.
We need more time than a lot of other people to come to terms with change. I’m not even talking about huge changes like a new job or moving house, those just cause our brains to completely crash and we are paralysed by overwhelm (think Windows “blue screen of death”). When anxiety is at its worst, the tiniest thing can spark a huge overreaction. The best way to deal with the person in that moment is to back off and allow them some processing time. Don’t be upset by their initial reaction, just try your best to stay calm and patient because your loved one will most likely have a different response once the hamster that powers their brain comes out of hiding and gets back to running on the wheel.
The thing about anxiety is that it makes you feel so out of control that all you want to do is to be able to control something, anything in your life. When things shift even a little bit due to a change, something someone said or an overwhelming situation, you feel like the little bit of control you have created is taken away and you revert to fight or flight mode.
Instead of getting frustrated, think of that old computer… Go and make yourself and the person you are trying to support a nice cup of tea. Our favourite sweet treat helps lubricate the gears of our brains as well.
5. DO – Distract them when they are in fight or flight mode
This ties back to the point about asking the person what you can do to help them, but specifically when they are in fight or flight mode. Imagine yourself about to be mauled by a hangry bear straight out of hibernation who is looking at you the way you look at (in my case) chocolate. But there is no bear and you can’t perceive any other threat, but your mind and body are still reacting in the same way. That delightful scenario is what happens when you have a panic attack. Add to that the feedback loop of fear that there is nothing to make you react that way, so there must be something wrong with you, and you have a recipe for one of the most terrifying experiences of your life.
Clearly, considering the hangry bear example, there is not much you can do for a person in that state of fight or flight. In my experience, the one thing that helps is distraction. If someone can help me calm my fight or flight response by reminding me to use a coping skill I have told them works for me, that is the best help they can give. When you’re facing the hangry bear, you are so petrified that you completely forget that are armed with a crossbow, flamethrower and truckload of delicious salmon far tastier than yourself (aka all the coping skills you have learned).
6. DO – Communicate clearly
Anxiety and ambiguity are like petrol and a lit match – kaboom! When everything feels so uncertain, it’s extremely comforting to know exactly where you stand with someone, exactly what the plans are, exactly what is expected of you and so on. I personally think that the world in general could do with more of this type of communication. Think of it as trying to give as many spoilers as you can for what you are going to do next… anxiety does not like surprises or even the threat of surprises.
Anxiety causes you to write elaborate stories in your mind starting with “but what if…” that would make even Stephen King run for the hills. So do your best not to add to the uncertainty of everyday life.
7. DO – Provide a safe space for them to talk
There is still so much shame and secrecy around mental illness. There is the fear of being judged because there are people out there who think mental illness is something you bring upon yourself or something you’re just not trying hard enough to recover from. There is also the fear of feeling invalidated when people who only see the mask you wear to fit in with the rest of the world brush your struggles off as minor or non-existent (anyone who has an anxiety disorder deserves a “best actor / actress” award, because we give award-winning performances of normalcy whilst the “Jaws” music plays in ever-increasing tempo in our minds).
If you really want to support someone who is living with an anxiety disorder, create a safe, non-judgemental space for them to talk about what they are going through. Even if you don’t fully understand, just listen. Talking can help relieve so much tension and fear and you will also be able to learn what the person feels will help them and what the things are that are making their anxiety worse.
Another way to provide a safe space to talk is to encourage them to go to a local support group meeting and go with them so that they feel safer. Help them to find their tribe. They will get to interact and share with others who are going through similar struggles and that can be incredibly validating and comforting.
8. DO – Help them see their value
One of the most frustrating questions I asked myself during my early-thirties peak of anxiety was: “I used to be able to do far scarier things than this, so why can I barely do anything now?” I had gone from someone who had, for example, spent ten weeks as a student teacher for foundation phase learners as part of a post graduate certificate in education (PGCE) while working part time from home and being a wife and a mom to a little girl. I did this despite being severely visually impaired and despite my life-long struggle with anxiety and panic. I went from someone who could do all of that to someone who couldn’t even set foot in a grocery store and who would curl into a ball in the corner of a room and cry uncontrollably as another panic attack hit. Similar contrasts occur in most people who have an anxiety disorder. When you’re at your lowest, you feel completely worthless because you used to be able to do so much more and you ask yourself what value you could possibly have.
Keep reminding the person you love that they are still the same person who did all those things and that they are worth exactly the same to you then as what they are now. Reassure them that things will get better and that you will be there every step of the way.
We tend to base our value on our achievements rather than who we are and what we mean to the people around us. Flipping that around is what will remind someone that they have reason to feel valued and to keep fighting.
9. DO – Be realistic with your expectations and celebrate their victories with them
Remember that recovering from a mental illness is not something that happens overnight and there are going to be many setbacks along the way. For me, even in this space where I don’t consider anxiety as a disorder anymore because it doesn’t affect every aspect of my life, it does remain something I need to cope with at certain times and in certain areas of my life.
Be patient. With the right interventions, coping skills and enough time, your loved one will slowly step into a better mental space. In the meantime, don’t place any more expectations on them because they are probably placing far too many on themselves already. I am constantly challenging myself to push the limits anxiety and panic have created in my life. At one point, pushing the limits meant having a conversation with someone I trusted about mental illness. Now, pushing the limits means blogging, taking opportunities to go on adventures and grow and even connecting with new people in a leadership role. Your loved one will push their boundaries too, just give them time.
Also, don’t let any personal victory go unnoticed and uncelebrated. I remember the first time I managed to stop a panic attack, I shared the victory with the people closest to me and they shared in my joy. It was like wrestling an alligator into submission and feeling like some kind of amazon warrior. Your loved one is fighting their own battles every day, so help them see how far they’ve come and what they have achieved.
10. DO – Take what they are going through very seriously
Sometimes the weight of anxiety and panic become so heavy that people feel like they can’t go on and that there is no hope for their future. No mental illness should ever be taken lightly or be brushed aside as trivial.
I told so few people about what I was going through because I was terrified that they would judge me, that they would think I was being overly dramatic or that they would use what I had told them to hurt me later on. These beliefs come from living in a society which is only now starting to acknowledge that issues like anxiety, panic, depression and PTSD are real problems and not just things people make up for attention or because they are not “tough” enough to deal with the real world.
So why am I throwing my thoughts and personal experiences out into cyberspace now? Because I don’t want that person you are doing your best to support to feel alone, judged, invalidated or weak because of what they are going through.
So don’t hang up your super-hero cape or put your undies back on the inside of your tights just yet… You can be the hero that your loved one with an anxiety disorder needs, you just need to understand how to help them. I sincerely hope my thoughts have helped you gain some of that understanding. What I do know is that you can give someone the support they need to kick anxiety’s butt all the way to the other side of the universe.
Portal to Change 