Towards the end of last year I was offered the opportunity to facilitate a depression and anxiety support group. A wonderful friend recommended me to an amazing lady, who saw the need for a group like that in our community. This lady took all the steps to start a group, but didn’t have the time to facilitate regularly and wanted to offer someone else that fantastic opportunity. For lack of a better word I’ll refer to her as my mentor in this situation.
Naturally, I reverted to my true form – spineless, shivering, amorphous blob of anxiety – and declined because I wouldn’t be able to get there (I am visually impaired and therefore not able to drive). But then something amazing happened – this beautiful soul, who had put everything in place for the support group, offered to make sure that I could get there every week. That was it, no strings attached. All I had to do was re-install my spine and wait for someone to fetch me from my house every Tuesday evening. And so began a terrifying but incredible journey which has changed my life completely and irrevocably. These are some of the things I have learned over the past year which I hope might help you if you are faced with a daunting but incredible opportunity in the future:
You have so much more to offer than you realise
I had no idea what I could possibly offer as a facilitator, but I was assured by my mentor that all I needed was personal experience. Well, I’ve had that in truckloads when it comes to anxiety, with a few bucketloads of depression thrown in. Needless to say I could check that box a thousand times. So I jumped in, prayed constantly, and hoped for the best.
Looking back, I realise that the most important thing I had to give was empathy. Being able to put myself in someone else’s position, even though our situations might have been vastly different, was what they needed.
I have been lucky enough to have gotten the help and support I needed to shrink my anxiety from a life-consuming disorder, to an unwelcome nuisance. These coping skills and my love for learning were secondary things I could offer as the group became more established.
Throughout all the uncertainty and insecurity, the image of Jesus riding in to Jerusalem on the back of a lowly donkey stayed in my mind. I am that donkey and no matter what I face or what is expected of me next, I will trust that I am enough.
Next time you find yourself standing at the edge of an amazing opportunity, but your fears make you want to turn and run in the other direction, remember: The direction of the known and the safe is not the direction of growth. It’s okay to visit there, but if you want to grow and give and really live, you have to take that leap of faith.
Fear only goes away when you face it
First off, if you are in the middle of a struggle with a severe mental illness like an anxiety disorder, just going to a support group or getting the help you need from professionals is the biggest challenge you should be facing.
I was already in a space where my anxiety was relatively under control and I needed to start desensitizing myself to situations which triggered anxiety and panic attacks. And what better way to do that then to face some of my biggest fears, the top three in this situation being:
- Leaving my house and going somewhere unfamiliar every week (the group is held at the psychiatric wing of the private hospital)
- Two words – “Public… speaking” (even if the largest crowd I ever had was thirteen people)
- Conversing with strangers (cue my other long-time nemesis Social Anxiety…)
In the beginning I was supported by my mentor and later, the same wonderful friend from the beginning of this story would come with to support me. Soon though, I found myself solo and solely responsible. This is where anyone with anxiety will be able to relate – me, functioning seemingly normally, facilitating like a boss and looking cool as a cucumber. All the while my brain was in hyperdrive freaking out about everything and nothing and all the things in-between! But over time, things improved and now I can sit calmly, both inwardly and outwardly, and give my best.
If you are in a space where you are ready to start challenging your fears, trust that time and repetition will lesson them from the status of ferocious fire-breathing T-rexes to familiar, non-threatening little puppies you actually look forward to petting! (I am not ready to test this theory on my fear of spiders though – and definitely not the petting part!)
Accept help when it is offered
Because I have spent my entire life relying on others for certain things, especially getting to places, it’s very hard to accept help. That may sound contradictory and you may think it should be easier for me to accept help, but a disability that creates so much reliance on others makes you feel extremely “needy” even if it’s not by choice (apparently my spirit animal is the leech).
That said, when help was offered in this situation, I had to learn to just accept it in humble gratitude and not question whether I was inconveniencing anyone. I learned that if someone wants to help you, they will offer. When they don’t attach any if’s and but’s, you know that offer is genuine.
Sometimes you can offer absolutely nothing in return when someone offers you their help and that is completely okay. Just receive and pay it forward the next time you have the opportunity to help someone else. Offer help only if you really intend to follow through and then help without any expectations.
A difference is a difference no matter how small
Some weeks only a few people would arrive, sometimes only one and sometimes none. With my mentor’s assurances that this was normal and that as long as I was there that was what mattered, I kept showing up. I realized that the groups where more than ten people arrived were just as important as the groups where only one person arrived. Each and every person matters and having that one conversation could make a huge difference in their lives.
Everyone has stories to tell and sometimes the seemingly small act of just hearing those stories, just being a witness, just empathizing with the pain and celebrating the victories, can make the biggest difference. Mental illness is an epic battle and it can’t be instantly fixed with a magic wand, a miracle pill or sage advice (I mean sage advice like “just get over it” for PTSD, “just pull yourself together” for depression or “don’t worry so much” for anxiety – my personal favourite!)
Whatever difference you can make, no matter how insignificant you might think it might be, make that difference. You can even make that difference just by choosing your words more carefully. I try to keep this quote from writer Dave Willis in mind: “Be an encourager. The world has plenty of critics already.”
There is a bigger plan for pain
When I was in the middle of the worst hold anxiety had ever had on my life, I had to deal with depression as well. I was so defeated because it felt like anxiety was stealing everything from me. If you had told me then that the horrible things I was going through would make me better and stronger, I would have probably mustered up the energy I had left between panic attacks to stare pointy daggers of doom at you (I’m not the physicallyviolent type).
Looking back now, if I had not been down to that depth of despair, I could not have given others the level of empathy I have been capable of this past year.
I know that God allowed me to suffer because He had bigger things in mind for me. I would never have been able to make this small difference in the world if my anxiety had been milder or if the level I had sunk to had been less than rock-bottom. I discovered my purpose in that darkness and that purpose is to make a difference where I can.
Remember that whatever you are going through, the rain won’t last forever, the sun will shine again and everything will be that much brighter after the shadow.
Don’t over-analyse
One of the best but hardest lessons I have learned is to stop over-analysing. My mentor gave me this bit of advice at the beginning of the journey and I have had to work hard to implement it.
What if I said the wrong thing? What if someone left feeling worse than they did when they arrived? What does it mean when someone doesn’t come back? The list of why’s and what if’s could go on and on, but I had to choose every time to stop my racing thoughts. I chose instead to calm them with the knowledge that I did my absolute best and that the next time I would do my absolute best again. That has carried over to so many other areas of my life.
All of this is coming from the queen of over-analysing, the person who would dissect every conversation and situation – just like my little Scottie Kierra dissects the pigeons who mistake our windows for safe thoroughfares, instead connecting with an invisible barrier of death and then the sharp end of a Scottie. If I can do it, you can do it – just try to let go.
Strength lies in vulnerability
I have heard so many inspiring stories from amazing humans facing terrible situations and debilitating struggles with mental illness, yet they are some of the strongest people I have ever met. I learned this year that strength does not lie in being tough, in grinning and bearing it, in coping without showing any cracks. True strength lies in having the courage to be vulnerable, to tell your story no matter how dark, and to support others even when you are sitting at the bottom of the pit right alongside them.
Humans are social creatures (yes, I have also tried to counter this fact with the argument that dogs are much better company sometimes, but we humans really do need each other) and as afraid as we might be of getting hurt, we should never stop taking that risk to be vulnerable. By showing this level of bravery you will connect with people on such a meaningful level and you will be able to give, receive and learn so much more.
It’s okay to figure things out as you go
All I can say is that facilitating has been a steep but wonderful learning curve. I also believe that the curve just continues up and up and that a good facilitator will never reach a plateau in their learning.
My mentor never prescribed to me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. She gently guided me, but left all the details up to me and gave me free rein as to how I would proceed. This was the best thing she could have done because I was able to start developing my own style and learn to adapt as the situation called for change.
You don’t have to have all the answers right away when facing a new challenge. Just take things one step at a time and be willing to be adaptable – like Eskom when they ran out of loadshedding stages, they just added more!
…
As this chapter of my life closes (circumstances have changed for the wonderful people who were fetching and carrying me each week and they aren’t able to help anymore) I mourn the loss, but at the same time I am happy because I am able to pass my role on to another incredible lady who will get to go on her own amazing journey.
Another chapter is beginning for me and I’m finding new ways to help others and make a difference despite the obstacles in my path. I hope that gathering all of these lessons I’ve been privileged enough to learn will inspire you to leap at the opportunity you’re considering running away from.
If you are struggling with mental illness, please contact the relevant organisation in your area, they are there to help. Here in South Africa you can contact SADAG (South African Depression and Anxiety Group) and they will help you find professional help or a support group near you. You can also contact them if you feel called to become a support group facilitator.
Portal to Change 